How To Seduce A Vulcan In 3 Easy Steps
by LittleMissHotPepper
Summary: Jim is convinced that he is a master of seduction, but Bones disagrees. Will a bet that Kirk can’t seduce his Vulcan First Officer settle the debate? K/S Slash
1. Game On

James Tiberius Kirk and Leonard "Bones" McCoy had been fast friends ever since the latter threatened to throw up during their first convoy into space. But there comes a time in every friendship where one must step back and evaluate the sanity of the one you choose to call a friend. And now was that time for Leonard McCoy.

"You cannot be serious." He said, once he had finish gaping at Jim. "It'll never work, man!" McCoy insisted forcefully, shaking his head to emphasize his point. "You're off your goddamn rocker!"

Jim Kirk sat across from his friend. The cocky grin plastered on his face widened as he brought a cigar to his lips.

"I'm telling you, Bones, I can do it. _I am the master_." He responded with the Cuban gripped between his teeth.

McCoy slapped the cigar from Jim's lips, drawing an annoyed "Hey!" from the man.

"You aren't the goddamn Godfather, Jim, knock it off. Where the hell did you get that anyway?"

"I smuggled a box on board. Anyway, not the point, Bones. You can't distract me that easily." Jim told him as he picked the cigar up off the floor gingerly.

Just moments ago, the pair had been spending some time reminiscing about their academy days.

"_Those were good times," Jim mused. "Great times," he amended after a thought. McCoy only scoffed in response. _

"_What!?" Jim cried._

"_You only had fun because of all the women you slept with." Bones accused. "I'm shocked you didn't get more venereal diseases then you did."_

_It was then Jim's turn to scoff. "I'll have you know I didn't catch any,_ Doctor_. I'm the master of seduction, not an idiot."_

_This time Bones laughed outright. "I don't know which part of that statement is more ludicrous. That you're the master of seduction or that you aren't an idiot. I distinctly remember you getting shot down more than your fair share of times." _

"_Those were because I wasn't trying! I can get anyone I want, any time, anywhere, any race." Jim retorted confidently, that signature smile starting to appear as he sipped his class of whiskey. _

"_Bullshit. I bet you never scored with a Vulcan."_

_Jim's eyes widened as he sprayed his drink across the room, coughing roughly. He finally managed to regain his composure. _

"_No," Jim said slowly. "But I bet you I could," he said with more assurance in his voice and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. _

_McCoy looked at him quizzically. _

"_Oh, yeah? Who, Jim?"_

_Jim's smirk broadened. He leaned forward in his chair, resting his forearms on his knees. A bit of ash from his cigar fluttered to the ground at his feet. _

"_Spock."_

And it was this simple suggestion that led Leonard McCoy to doubt his friend's sanity.

"James Tiberius Kirk," Bones said slowly, as if he were trying to talk a suicide jumper down from a ledge. "You simply _cannot_ seduce that green-blooded hobgoblin. It can't be done. Not only is he a cold bastard, but he doesn't_ feel_, Jim. He has _no _sex drive."

"See that's what I thought, too. Until I saw him playing tonsil hockey with Uhura."

"And then there's that. He's a…taken man." Bones choked out with a shudder.

"Never stopped me before," Jim responded with a shrug.

"This is insane, man."

"Insane enough for you to bet on it?" The Captain suggested, joy at the clearly implied challenge written all over his face.

Bones considered the offer. From his perspective, he really had nothing to loose, seeing as there was no way Jim could win.

"Yeah." He said finally. "Why not? I'd like the chance to prove you wrong for once." McCoy paused. "And the terms?"

"If I get Spock to _want _to sleep with me, you have to show up on the bridge in full ladies attire of my choosing. Shaven legs and all."

"And _when _you loose?" McCoy asked confidently.

Jim looked at Bones and shrugged. "It's your bet."

McCoy only thought about his condition for a moment.

"You 'ave to be my pet for a day. And you have to do anything I wish of you. Collar, leash and all." McCoy told Jim, smiling a little.

"Deal," Jim replied, extending his hand. Leonard had to admit, he was a little taken aback. He never expected Jim to agree to his terms so willingly. In fact, he half hoped the crazy request would have deterred him from going on with this. But Jim seemed pretty confident. Too confident for Leonard to pass up the opportunity.

"Fine," he said, gripping Jim's hand. "You have one week." To McCoy's dismay, Jim's shit eating grin only grew.

"You're on, Bones." And with that, Jim stood up and bounded out of the rec room.

Once Jim was out of ear-shot, McCoy rested his head in his hands and heaved a sigh. He picked Jim's half-smoked cigar up from the ash tray and took a long drag.

"Damn…"

Hello all! This is my first real attempt at fan fiction, but I've been writing for a while. I hope you all like the story so far. I promise there will be more K/S as the story progresses. I LOVE reviews of all kinds, flames and criticism included. As long as the criticism is properly articulated and not just 'I HATE YOU' followed by a string of profanities over and over and over. (Though I do accept 'I LOVE YOU' followed by a string of praise XD) Also, this is unbetaed so all mistakes are my own damn fault.


	2. Step One: Use Your Hands

Hi everyone! I just wanted to say thank you sooooo much for reviewing. It was a major confidence boost and totally coated my day with whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top.

To address the issue of Jim smoking, I did that for a small reason. I don't know how many of you watch those Mafia/Gangster type movies but I always notice the cocky crime bosses have cigars. Not that I'm equating Jim with a crime boss, just with the cocky-ness factor. I don't know, for some reason it made me sit back and laugh to picture Jim Kirk trying to look all intimidating and sophisticated and Bones just thinking he was a moron.

Anyway! I hope you enjoy this chapter. More chapters (and more 'action') is definitely coming soon.

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That night Jim could barely sleep. He turned his plan over and over in his mind, running through every minute detail. He was almost giddy with anticipation. It suddenly struck Jim in the middle of the night that his conversation with Bones had definitely _not_ gone according to plan.

The whole reason Jim had even brought up their time at the academy was to discuss the Kobayashi Maru, and therefore turn the conversation to Spock. Jim had wanted to confess his increasing _interest _in the man to Bones, but for once in his life, didn't feel comfortable broaching the subject. But Bones had mentioned his conquests, and that opened up a whole new world of opportunities for Jim. To be honest, sometimes Jim thought that Bones could read his mind. What where the chances of actually accusing him of being unable to seduce a Vulcan?

"_Maybe I just got lucky,"_ Jim thought. "_I sure as hell hope my luck keeps up…" _And with that in mind, Jim rolled out of bed and showered quickly. He practically skipped to the bridge, whistling a happy tune.

"Good morning, crew!" hollered Jim excitedly. Everyone was already at their stations, the Captain being the last one to arrive. Chekov waived happily, Sulu smiled and Uhura rolled her eyes as a wave of responding greetings tumbled simultaneously from their lips. All seemed to acknowledge his presence. Except, that is, for Spock.

"And good morning to you, Mr. Spock." Jim said in a low voice as he walked by, training his hand along the ridge of his first officer's chair, just barely brushing his back. He heard an equally soft "Good day, Captain," in reply. "Any news, Lieutenant?" Jim asked Uhura, just a little louder than necessary.

"No, _Captain_. All is well here and has been since the shift started a _half hour ago_," was her biting reply.

"Well good, then you really didn't need me here half an hour ago, did you?" Jim said with a smile and collapsed into his chair. He didn't hear Uhura's muttered reply but he had a feeling it was something insulting. Jim waited until everyone had gone back to whatever it is they were supposed to be doing, bouncing his leg against his chair with impatience.

Leaning back and resting his right ankle across his left knee, Jim set the first step into action. He brought his right hand to his mouth, tracing his middle and index fingers across his bottom lip. He let out a barely audible moan, just loud enough that he was sure Spock could hear him. During the 5 minutes he had actually paid attention to his xenobiology class, Jim had learned that Vulcan's hands were particularly sensitive and erogenous. And because he couldn't get a hold of Spock's hands, Jim was fine with making Spock _wish_ he was holding them.

Looking as though he were deep in thought, Jim traced his tongue across those same fingers. Out of the corner of his eye, Jim caught Spock glancing in his direction. He moaned again, much louder and more sexual then the last, closing his eyes and tiling his head back in seeming ecstasy.

Now several other members of the alpha crew were also staring, but Jim didn't care. Smirking inwardly, Jim caught the tip of his index finger between his teeth, running his tongue over and around the tip. As he continued his ministrations and delicious noise-making, Jim pointedly shot a glance at Spock, who was still looking at him, one eyebrow quirked. Jim winked at his first officer and ran his tongue slowly from the base of his palm to the tip of his middle finger. At this, Spock's eyebrow rose higher then Jim ever thought was possible. "Excuse me," he said evenly. Spock rose and walked to the lift, without a further look to his Captain. Jim smiled behind his hand. This was going all too well.


	3. Step Two: If You Got It, Flaunt It

Jim Kirk was still feeling pretty good about the next step of his plan as he walked toward the bridge for the second time during the course of the day. He had sent the beta crew a message not to assume their posts until 2400 hours; roughly an hour after the alpha shift was released. The day had passed without a hitch, and though Jim hadn't seen much of Spock after his episode, he was more than excited about the prospect of initiating step two.

This time as Jim returned to the empty bridge, he was the subject of a multitude of suggestive glances. The reason for this was simple. He wore a pair of fitted, light-wash jeans that were tight in all the right places. They hung low on his hips, revealing the hem of his black boxers. But the jeans weren't the only thing gaining the Captain attention. He had taken off his uniform shirt and replaced it with…nothing. Of course, this gave everyone a view of his tanned, muscular chest. The looks he received were quite fine with Jim, considering that the act was meant to draw intrigue.

When he reached his destination, he immediately made his way to the Captain's chair. He hit a few buttons and suddenly the sound of loud, bass-focused dance music filled the bridge. Kirk new his Vulcan first officer well enough to know that now was his meditation time. And that his room was in close enough proximity to the bridge for the music to prove quite annoying. Captain Kirk turned his attention to the main control panels, pretending to be working intently. It was only a matter of time now.

Despite Spock's deeply meditative state and uncanny focus, it was more than he could do to keep the heavy pulsing from breaking his trance. After his Captain's show on the bridge this morning, he had been having abnormal difficulty staying focused. Spock had admitted to himself a while back that he found something about the other man to be…_fascinating._ But this was just too much.

He was rash, impulsive, vulgar, overly emotional, illogical, cocky, charming, infuriating, and…_intoxicating._ The more time he spent around his Captain, the more he was drawn to his opposite. And that's really what he was, wasn't he? Or at least that's what everyone liked to believe.

Spock allowed himself a second to wonder whether or not Jim's little display was due to the fact that he was no longer oblivious to Spock's affection. He was sure that he hadn't shown any signs of this, but Jim proved to be very perceptive. Spock decidedly rose to his feet and made his way toward the bridge.

Upon arriving, Spock wished without a doubt that he could say that what he found on the bridge did not shock him. Not that he let it show, of course. There stood _Captain_ Kirk, scantily clad in only his taut, clearly non-regulation jeans, staring intently at the console and wiggling his hips in time with the beat.

His back was to Spock. "Captain," he called, his voice drowned out by the music. "_Captain_," Spock raised his voice as he started to walk toward Jim. When he was as close to Jim as he was willing to get with all the provocative hip-shaking going on, Spock tried again.

"Capt…Jim?" And as if his name was the magic word, the Captain whirled around.

"Why _hello_, Mr. Spock," he greeted. "What can I _do_ for _you_?" Jim asked, continuing to steadily sway his hips, his voice dripping with innuendo.

"If you would be so kind as to lower the volume of your…music so that I may continue with my meditation, I would be very grateful." Spock relied solemnly.

"And why-ever would I want to do _that_, Mr. Spock?" Jim whispered in Spock's ear as he draped his arms around the Vulcan's shoulders. "You need to loosen up and have some fun." To emphasize his point, Jim flicked his tongue out and licked the shell of Spock's ear, from lobe to wonderfully pointed tip. Jim felt his first officer shudder slightly beneath his grasp.

"Captain, I do not believe engaging in such activities is…" Spock's breath caught in his throat and he gasped lightly as Jim caught his earlobe between his teeth and tugged gently. _"Advisable."_

In spite of his words, Spock made no motion to push Jim away. That being said, Jim also noticed the gasp. Taking the noise to be a form of encouragement, he pressed his body against Spock's. He forced the man to step backwards and stumble into the Captain's chair. Jim then sat in Spock's lap, straddling him. "And what would lead you to think that would stop me?" He replied.

"Captain, I must insist, please desist this inappropriate behavior." Spock insisted with more conviction then the last time.

Kirk pouted in a rather exaggerated fashion. "That hurts, Spock, it really does. Are you sure I can't interest you in staying?" Keeping his arms around Spock's neck, he rhythmically ground his hips down into the other man's.

"Captain," Spock breathed, arching his back only barely.

"_Yes?"_ Jim whispered as he began to plant soft kisses along Spock's collar bone.

"Please," Spock ground out through clenched teeth, trying to maintain his control.

"Please, _what_, Spock?" The Captain asked. He slowly brushed his lips against that of his first officer. It was then that Kirk heard a gasp that was much too feminine to have come from the man he had trapped beneath him. Evidently Spock heard it too, because as Jim's eyes snapped up, Spock twisted around in the chair to gaze toward the door.

There stood a very flustered Nyota Uhura, anger resonating in her stare. She took a special moment to glare at Kirk before she turned on a heel and made her way back down the hall from whence she came.

Spock turned back to Jim and, placing his hands on his captor's hips, lifted him out of his lap and dumped him unceremoniously on the floor.

"Goodnight, Captain," he said without even looking at Jim, and turned to follow Uhura.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" Jim cursed, hitting the back of his head against the console with every word. He gathered himself as best he could and rose to his feet. Jim Kirk had no idea how he was going to fix this one.


	4. Step Three: Follow Your Instincts

That night it occurred to Jim that perhaps the best way to fix his problem was to ignore it. He couldn't back down from the bet now. And the way Jim reasoned it out, he had nothing to apologize for. Not really. If Spock had wanted Jim out of his lap he simply could have pushed him away. He knew the Vulcan was more than capable of making him stop.

In fact, Jim had been pretty sure that Spock hadn't wanted him to stop. That is until Uhura showed up. So the way he had reasoned it, Uhura owed him an apology. She was the one who simultaneously managed to keep him from winning his bet and satisfying his desire.

It just wasn't fair! By the time he'd reached the bridge that insanely early in the morning, Jim had almost completely convinced himself that it was all Uhura's fault.

"_Where the hell is Bones going to get a dog collar anyway?" _Jim thought. _"Damn it, this sucks unbelievably." _At this point, Jim wasn't even sure he could go on with his plan, no matter how much he wanted to win. No matter how much he wanted Spock. 

His mind changed the second he laid eyes on the object of his affection.Spock stood with impeccable posture, recording data reads from the computer into his log. Jim let his eyes roamover Spock'slithe form. He was a slender man and yet Jim could tell that he was in great shape, even through his uniform. He was also the only one on the bridge.

As Jim's eyes wandered up to Spock's face and neck, he fought the urge to kiss every bit of the man's exposed flesh. But Jim also felt a wave of sickness that he easily identified as guilt. _"Shit…"_

All Jim wanted to do now was make Spock forgive him, make him feel better.

"_Make him want me the way I want him,"_ Jim thought.

He walked toward Spock as quietly as he could. He was sure that the Vulcan knew he was there and was just trying to ignore him. And Jim was determined to make that impossible.

Jim wrapped his arms around Spock's waist and clutched his first officer to him tightly.

"Captain," Spock said after a moment, calm but forceful. "As I am sure you are aware, Vulcans do not enjoy this sort of physical contact. Please release me."

"No," Jim defiantly responded. He nuzzled into the crook of Spock's neck and tightened his grip. "I'm sorry, Spock. I really am," he expressed quietly. "I never intended for it to happen that way and I didn't mean to upset you. I only wanted to…" was all Jim managed to get out. For the second time in his life and in only the span of two days, he found himself unable to broach the subject of his feelings.

Spock seemed content in waiting for Jim to continue. He had gone back to typing information into his log. For some reason, Jim found that Spock's lack of response hurt him. "Please don't ignore me, Spock." Jim pleaded and placed a soft kiss against the side of Spock's neck. "Please…"

"You only wished to, what, Captain?" Spock replied, unhurried. "Because I fail to comprehend how you could have had any other ulterior motive then to illicit another emotional response from me."

"That _was_ the point, Spock. But the emotion I was looking for _wasn't_ anger."

Spock turned around slowly in his Captain's grasp. He looked deep into Jim's eyes, as if trying to stare into his soul. The hurt expression Spock held only in his eyes asked a silent string of questions, demands, of Jim.

"I…" Jim began delicately, releasing his grip on Spock. "I love you and I just wanted you to want me the way I want you but you want Uhura and I just didn't know what to do, God, I'm sorry Spock!" He rambled at an unbelievable pace. Truly, Jim had no idea if Spock had even understood a word he had said due to how much he slurred it all together. He turned away from Spock, both in an attempt to hide his embarrassment and preserve the last sliver of his dignity.

"You are incorrect, Jim." Spock stated plainly. "Lieutenant Uhura and I terminated our brief romantic relationship approximately 8.23 days ago."

"What?" Jim asked and turned back to Spock, a look of genuine confusion on his face. "Then why the _hell_ was she so upset?"

"Despite the end of our romantic interactions, she requested that we remain friends. Yesterday the Lieutenant informed me of a bet between yourself and Doctor McCoy. Apparently he inquired as to whether or not she was currently in possession of a dog collar." Spock explained with one eyebrow quirked.

Jim wasn't sure whether to laugh or stab Bones with one of his own hyposprays. He quickly decided he'd probably end up doing both.

"Uhura was convinced that you were attempting to…'take advantage' of me, as she put it." Spock finished. Jim just stood there, dumbfounded, as Spock stared, waiting for a response. "Spock it wasn't my intention to take advantage of you." _Though I'd definitely like to take advantage of you in bed if you'd let me. _"The bet with Bones happened while I was trying to tell him how I feel about you, for God's sake!" Jim told the other.

"And how do you feel about me, Captain?" Spock questioned. He had a certain glint in his eye and Jim got the feeling he was being teased.

"Why, Mr. Spock, are you teasing me?" He asked with a grin.

"Vulcans do not..." Spock began but was abruptly cut off. Jim took a step forward and closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against Spock's.

Spock stiffened at first, but relaxed visibly as Jim pressed their bodies together. Jim's tongue entreated entrance to the hot mouth he had captured and once Spock complied they began a brief battle for dominance. Spock eventually won out, but Jim wasn't ready to give up that easily. He traced a hand down Spock's arm and entwined their fingers. He rubbed along Spock's hand in small circular motions, causing Spock to moan softly into the kiss.

Without warning, Spock picked his Captain up. Jim wrapped his legs around Spock's waist instinctively and broke the kiss for a moment to gasp for breath. As Spock carried Jim in the direction of his room, Jim trailed eager kisses down his ear, jaw and neck. And as the door to Spock's room shut tightly behind them, Jim was all joy and smiles.

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Hi again. I hope you've all enjoyed the story thus far. Thanks again for the reviews!! They are a writer's drug for sure.

I just wanted to let you know that I'll be leaving bright and early tomorrow for a 2 and a half week long trip to a place with no electricity, and therefore no internet. I will try my hardest to get the next chapter (with the conclusion of the bet) up tonight so you don't have to wait 2 ½ weeks for Bones in a dress!

While I'm away I plan to write a side-story of total Kirk/Spock smut (aka what happens between this chapter and the conclusion). I'm also going to do a Jim/Bones alternate ending where Jim looses the bet, if anyone is interested. And probably some more. Whatever I feel like, really since I won't have too much to do. Well thanks so much for reading!!

xoxox


	5. Of Cocktail Dresses and Sexy Calves

"Damn it, Jim, I'm not coming out!" Leonard McCoy shouted from behind the bathroom door.

"Oh, yes you are, Bones! Your outfit isn't even complete yet." Jim Kirk yelled back and pounded on the door with a closed fist.

"In no galaxy would this ever be considered fair! First you ruin my breakfast with tales of your _adventure_ to where no man has gone before and then you make me shave my legs! Do you have any idea how long it took me, Jim Kirk? I don't know why women do it! And these goddamn tights are starting to ride up…"

Bones flung the door open angrily. It hit the wall with a loud _thwack!_ but even that noise wasn't enough to drown out Jim's laughter. There stood Doctor Leonard McCoy, clad in a tight strapless cocktail dress. It was made of a silky cherry red material accented by a sheer black ribbon set high around the waist. He had also been forced to wear matching black fishnet stockings over his clean-shaven legs.

Jim had been standing across from the bathroom door up until about 3 seconds ago when he promptly collapsed to the ground in a fit of hysterics.

"Shut the bloody hell up, Jim!" cried McCoy. He had placed his hands on his hips in his fit of rage, which only lead Jim to laugh even harder. By the time he was done laughing and Bones was done cursing every fiber of his being, Jim had tears streaming down his cheeks and was gasping to catch his breath.

"H…He…Here's your…your shoes, madam!" Jim choked out between giggles. He held out a pair of strappy red stilettos for his friend.

"Oh, hell no! I am not putting my feet into those stylish death traps!" Bones whined.

"Oh hell yes you are! They…They'll really make your calves look sexy!" Jim managed to get out before bursting into more hysterical laughter. He threw the shoes at Bones, who caught them and proceeded to struggle to get them on, cursing Jim all the while.

"And damn that pointy-eared bastard, too!" McCoy added. "I had so much more faith in his ability to keep it in his pants!"

"Oh man, Bones, you should see all he has to keep in his pants."

"Ah! Jim! Gah!" Bones yelled, pressing his hands over his ears. "Keep that kind of nasty shit to yourself, man! Good God!" All Jim could do in response was laugh. "Come on, good lookin', let's get you down to the bridge!"

Between Bones wobbling in his heels and Jim's fits of laughter, it took the stumbling pair a good ten minutes to reach their destination. When they did arrive, Jim made Bones wait behind the door.

"Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention please!" Jim called in his best announcer voice. "I present to you, for your entertainment, one night only, the dashing Doctor Leonard McCoy!" He shouted and threw open the door. Jim took Bones by the arm and yanked him into view.

Almost instantly, the occupants of the bridge erupted into a fit of uproarious laughter. Through the camera flashes, Bones managed a weak smile before letting the scowl return to his face and collapsing into the nearest chair. "Hey, Bones!" Jim called. "Might want to cross your legs or something…" He gestured toward McCoy's open legs. Bones muttered angrily under his breath as he took Jim's suggestion.

Jim then turned his attention to the back of the room, where Spock stood.

"Hey," Jim greeted and flashed a bright smile.

"Good morning, Jim." Spock returned, the corners of his mouth turning up just slightly.

"How are you?" Jim asked. He reached out and grasped Spock's hand in his. He could feel the heat radiating from his companion's body. Jim briefly thought about how much he liked the feeling. He'd certainly liked it last night, too.

"I am…wonderful." Spock told him. He stroked the back of Jim's hand gently with his thumb.

"Good," Jim said, smiling wider. "So…do you like Bones' dress?" He couldn't help but ask.

"I must say he does look quite…dashing, did you say?" Spock answered. The only indication that he was joking came when he squeezed Jim's hand.

"You know what_ I_ think?" Jim asked. He leaned in and kissed the tip of Spock's ear quickly. "I think it would look better on you."

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Hey! So I managed to finish this before my early a.m. departure. I hope it met everyone's expectations. I just wanted to say thanks for all the reviews and support and I hope you'll stick around to read the stuff I write on my trip! You guys are amazing.

p.s. To explain the whole 'sexy calves' thing, that is a shout-out to my gay uncle who tried to convince me to buy a pair of 6 inch stilettos because my calves looked sexy when I walked in them. XD

xoxox ~ LittleMissHotPepper


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